Operating instructions, inspiration or: We are not liable for imitators
It's Monday morning, it's actually a miracle to find myself in the operator's chair, but the second part of DOOM was released on Friday and there's nowhere better to play it than on the main computer. Suddenly the phone rings. I put the receiver under my chin while I look for that darn yellow key card.
"Yes" I say, rushed by the horde of demons on the surveillance monitor.
"The computer is too slow, I've been waiting for half an hour for this text to open!" squawks the other end.
"What's your username?" He tells me. It's one of the creeps I've kicked off the system as a precaution so that I don't lose my performance in the middle of the game. I look at the calendar, "dangerous microwave radiation". "I can't see any problem with your account here, the problem must be on your side. Tell me, do you have a microwave nearby?"
I was only distracted for a second before I was carried off by a horde of demons, despite having a double-barrel shotgun.
"There's one in the kitchen next door. Why?"
"Microwave radiation can have a devastating effect on data cables, did you know that? didn't you know that?"
"No..."
"It probably caused an ERROR in layer 8 for you."
"Ohh... What can you do about that? Do I need another office?"
"No, you would just need to pick up a specially shielded data cable from me so that the data also reach you in the future."
"Ah... Good. Shall I be on my way straight away?"
"Sure."
Whoever kills my Space Marine must pay immediately. I search the bottom drawer for the ultimate punishment. After two minutes I find it, the Cat5 O'Nine Tails. Now I have enough time to delete his data and set his password to woj oven, Klingon for microwave. He'll never figure it out.
There's a knock on the door and in walks the archetype of a DAU.
"I've come for the cable."
"Yeah, yeah right" I say and place the Cat5 O'Nine tails on the HELPDESK FROM HELL. The DAU looks in disbelief.
"That's supposed to be my cable? It looks more like a whip."
"Don't you see, these are STP AWG26 cables to ISO/IEC-11801 with RJ45 plugs, the accelerates your data to at least 93/173 of a googol bit!"
Dummy mode on.
"Yes, yes of course."
He takes the whip and turns towards the door.
"Wait, do you even know how to use a cable like that?" "I'm looking for the cable with the same plugs and swap it?"
Amazingly bright for a DAU.
"It's not that easy, it's a high-speed cable, it needs a 100% secure connection. connection otherwise your data will fly around your ears at the speed of light!"
Horror spreads across his face.
"What do I have to do?"
"You have to secure the contacts with iron, that ensures a constant connection and keeps the data securely in the line"
"Iron ... how ... from where?"
"There's also an iron-rich liquid, have you eaten enough spinach recently?"
"Yes... I think so?"
"Excellent, then all you need is your blood on the contacts. But don't under any circumstances just a prick on the finger, there's far too little iron there, something from the back would be best."
"Wait a minute..."
"Believe me, that's the only way you'll get a good reception, otherwise the data will never make it to your office"
"Yes ... if that's the case."
He slowly trots off. 5 minutes later, I let myself be put through to the neighboring kitchen.
A woman answers: "Mazekowski here."
A loud bang can be heard in the background, followed by a whimper.
"'Scuse me, I've got the wrong number."
This Space Marine would be avenged.